Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
Is there a "Plan B" app for my iphone?
That ginger could cleveland steamer me and it would still be the best day of my life
She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
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