I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
New Orleans is just like you. Dirty but beautiful and will always have a special place in my heart
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
Randomize
