My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
I haven't been this sober since birth.
If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
All I've done is masturbate and drink while being home from college.
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
Randomize