omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
Is it bad to use cherry nyquil as substitute for grenadine? Because i just went there.
Nah, totally cool. It already has the alcohol in it.
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
its hard to take this fight seriously when one dude is an oompa loompa, and the other is a "g spot"
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
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