He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
Can we please not be like these pathetic people in their thirties who only get drunk when they go see Sherrill Crow?
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
i sent you a picture of beads you send me a picture of boobs how hard is this to understand
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
she threw up on her exam, awkwardly wiped it off with her sleeve and continued writing.
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
Randomize
