I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
I look like a poor person in the cast of Gay Oliver.
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
You also hate cartoons and musicals, so I will take that to mean the movie was as awesome as I thought it was..smoke weed
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
I'm so glad you support me having casual sex with your uncle
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
Randomize
