he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
I'm listening to bach and watching porn,is that a sign of depression?
Quite the contrary. Sophistication.
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
Seriously? People are paying $45 for Surge?!? I've seen better one night stand decisions being made then the choices being made on amazon orders of Surge
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
Randomize
