oh no, I think we did it in the 'front asshole'
I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
I'm that hungover student in class ... On a wednesday morning
Omg I think I'm in the wrong class
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
I take to many stalker pics of him. If he ever looks through my phone he'll never give me sex again :(
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
Randomize
