Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
He was such a tease, he pulled out his dick, let me touch it then put it away
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
Randomize
