i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
We were doing it doggy style, and I puked on the floor and started crying, he told me it was okay his cat would eat it... and if it would make me feel better we could do anal...
And they lived happily ever after....
the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
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