i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
All semester I have been trying to figure out if this kid in front of me is gay. His cell phone just went off with Britney's "Circus". Case closed.
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
So i am officially handcuffed to the pole on the party bus while taking jello shots.....this shall be an interesting night
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
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