i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest
my being single is dangerous.
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
i don't find him as attractive when he's dressed as himself...bring back Indiana jones and I would so fuck him again
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
