Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
My lab manual has instructions for making home wine. Room project?
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
I JUST WANT TO HAVE MILDLY SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE SEX WITH HIM AND CALL HIM CUPCAKE.
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
Randomize
