maybe we dont have boyfriends because we dont have tans
Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
I am growing concerned with the number of people here in cowboy hats
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
So worth it. Come over for bacon egg cheese vusquit later. 12. I slept with Jimmy? On my period? And told him he had mother issues? No tequila. Tequila bad.
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
Randomize
