the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
While I'm on hiatus from the Russian potato nectar, it is my wish for others to enjoy it in my stead.
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
I think my moral compass just broke
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
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