my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
the can pyramid on my head actually reached a decent height before I moved.
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
I haven't seen any of my friends sober in months. We have classes together.
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
there is puke in my bra ... again
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