Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
counting down the days left of school on my birth control packet.
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
Just had to double check that I had pants on. THAT kind of weekend.
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
Randomize
