Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
Well we had to pull over on a side street in town so I could throw up while moms were driving by with car loads of kids, I feel like I just performed a lil silent AA film for the childrens
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
We power houred with shots of red wine. Somehow we ended up with 7 bottles and lost Chris. Trying to find him this hungover is proving very unsuccessful.
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
also. when i get a car, the amount of space there is for sex WILL be a huge deciding factor.
Randomize
