The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
like what am i supposed to say "im thinking of how bad that sex was"?
THAT'LL be a good time.
and i don't know why my phone always capitalizes that word.
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
Well, if it's rabies, your lips will swell just prior to the frothing. Get a lot of good pics!
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