She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
Puked in my laptop case in the middle of my nutrition class.
She had her underwear around her neck. No one can tell me i'm a slut now.
If you can find a Canadian Lesbian to have pity sex with me, let me know.
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
He’s older
Like “has a job and pays his bills” older or “still watches porn on DVD because he can’t figure out the Internet” older?
Randomize
