so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
we need to drink 2009 down the drain
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
She may be a slut, but at least she's a dedicated slut. She's always super tan and has her shit shaved in really cool designs.
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
When did angry sex become our thing?
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
Randomize
