really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
I just want to meet whoever runs the hall cameras
hahahaha I don't. Watch one day i'll be walking along and someone will stop me and say "oh you're that one girl who is out. of. control." But then they'd probably give me a high five.
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
I'm pretty sure I asked his brother if he was gay while drunkenly falling to the ground.
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
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