Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
Underwear, t-shirt, bottle of Pinot Grigio and Golden Girls. I've hit a new level of homosexual.
Hope your thanksgiving is a complete blowjob festival.
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
I just wanna go home jackoff, eat chicken fingers, drink beer, play halo and go to bed. I'm sick of this shitty school, the shitty kids and having to fucking teach them.
Randomize
