Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
i guess its officially winter break. i woke up alone and fully clothed this morning.
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
i can't find my house
we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago.
i'm pretty sure my house moved.
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
So im guessing you dont remember the walk home, where you layed down in the alley and began to sing "threes company too" and when i told you to get up you had the nerve to tell me i was to drunk.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
Randomize
