youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
Just saw a guy from Kansas and a guy from Nebraska arguing over who had less of an accent. God Bless the Midwest.
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
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