the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
I'm just gonna wear a long dress with no panties today. My pussy needs a break.
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
must go to store soon wiping with panty liner ugh
No, I found out he was gay when I walked in on him blowing the guy from the dorm room next to ours.
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
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