I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
He's acting like I should like him more than vodka and Taco Bell, but I just don't ser that happening.
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
Randomize
