i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
yea, there's something about a stripper whipping you with your own belt that makes you think
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
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