If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
I am SOOO high
tell me about your high
HUGE THUMBTACKS
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
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