I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
The Shake Weight not only toned my arms but significantly improved my hand job form and efficiency.
I still can't figure out why that's not in the commercial.
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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