final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
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