When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
Depending upon how the Sox game progresses, I'll either cry on the bar or fuck someone tonight...
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
My liver is preforming stress tests.
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
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