My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
A freshman just woke up on our back pourch... He swears there was a party here last night but we didn't have one
why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
are we at that level where i can tell you your girlfriends tits looked really good yet?
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
Did you pee in the oven last night??
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
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