I just didn't expect you to be so naked....
So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
Take off your clothes and see if he wants to have sex, that's a good way to find out
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
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