i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
Yeudjkisdjxbfceryuj. i love having a qwerty keyboard just so i can do that.
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
its not thanksgiving till you and grandpa shotgun beers out in the shed, and lose
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
I'm a mess. I mean I almost got off but I'm a fucking rubics cube down there so il givenhim the point
Randomize
