apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
well she hit her head and had a concussion. i had to make out with her to keep her awake.
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
That kid i sell weed to just had his mom give him a ride over here she waited in the car while he bought a bag
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
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