Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
Do you think the guy at the front desk was watching us last night? Although we were in a public pool, therefore our tits were free game.
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
to drive Frat boys away, one just needs to cat-call at them. It makes their masculinity weaker, and yours stronger.
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
IT IS EARTH DAY, RECORD STORE DAY, 4/20 EVE, AND SATURDAY ALL AT THE SAME TIME!
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
so i just met a former male stripper who has a lion king tattoo. new BFF? i think yes
They have a shelf full of jello shots, what have i gotten myself into
Randomize
