I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
he ate 15 dinner rolls and nothing else. then took a shit in the bathroom came out and blamed it on his dad. i wish i was 8.
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
I got your flops too. But yeah you rolled off your raft a bunch of times so we had to ask the white trash squad to help you back on. You bit one of them
ROB LOWE. SO BEAUTIFUL. SO DOUCHEY. SO HARD TO SPELL HIS NAME WHEN DRUNK.
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
Nice. I got home at like 3am.stopped at Walmart for a vacuum and weirdly a trash can. Not sure why high me last night needed a new trashcan.
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
when i was on the highway she passed out and knocked my transmission into nuetral with her forehead...that was an experience
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