My hair reeks of homosexuality.
and now I know what throwing up pineapple chunks is like.
Yeah, we had those soaking in vodka for like 36 hours
outstanding.
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Randomize
