dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
The beers last night were like the tears from god
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
He peed off the roof and then we bonded it was beautiful
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
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