my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
THESE BITCHES NOT IN MY MAJOR BETTER NOT FILL UP MY SLAVIC FAIRYTALES CLASS
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
I want to be the sort of person he can respect in the morning once the drugs wear off.
i think the last part kind of negates the first part there
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
I'm storing dick pics, so basically if I'm still single after residency...ur gonna get bombarded. It's gonna be a blizzard of dicks.
Feel free to keep your blizzard of dicks to yourself.
Randomize
