Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
Day 5 without masturbation. Fat chicks are back on the table
his roommates said i can move in if i promise to only drink tequila the rest of the semester. challenge accepted.
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
Randomize
