Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
i just made my gag reflex go away.
i have one question about last night
if this is about your fridge being filled with hotdogs, sour cream, and PB&J open-faced sandwiches, i can explain
I'm in class. I'm not opening a page with the words "death erection" in the link. There's people behind me lol.
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
He said that I looked like a "ghost had crawled up into my vagina and died"..so yeah, I'd say the hangover was noticeable.
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
Randomize
