I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
Steel Reserve is the RC Cola of alcohol. It's never ok.
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
Excuse me but the alley way I wanted to fuck in happens to be a very nice clean area.
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
Okay. So my choices are the sleeping Guy who looks about twelve and a man that looks like he was the original sandman. Im gonna need a beer for this......
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
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