I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
Just a little. Like do I say "hey I'm the girl that's fucking your son, nice to meet you"
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
