Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
I got a lot accomplished today, and the day is still young! I built a fort, hot boxed a fort, had a tea party in a fort, and now realizing how high I am.
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
She posted on her FB that he moved out...It's like she wants me to fuck him.
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
Randomize
