just got my goo swallowed for the first time. colors seem so much more vivid now, and more rainbows are outside
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
Floor bacon is actually really good
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
You peed on a flamingo?!?
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