Please don't use social media to get back at me.
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
when you shit yourself on the way to school its time to give up and go home
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
Randomize
