Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
i think the beer goggles wore off after hearing the story of her 2nd abortion
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
We are balling out on levels, I think mikes about to go to jail. something to do with a unicorn and rainbows, the cops are not being reasonable.
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
Randomize