I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
Theres just something about looking at pictures of your dick in church that doesn't feel right
She used the word "fragged" in proper context. tell me that's not bust-nut hot.
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
Well... He is a good looking man underneath all the fat and muff.
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
Randomize
