Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
The plan is that you eat an edible first, then pressure your dad to do one. You know you are down.
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
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