I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
why doesnt he love me? i have tried everything. i even sang to him after sex.
you have got to be kidding?
Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
She sat on the toilet backwards so that she could hold onto the back part for balance. No she's not ready to go home.
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
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