I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
screw it, I'll just be a stripper until next August when then are looking for suitable teachers to teach the future of America. it's like a feel good movie just a little out of order and im a dude.
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
It's 11:13am and my chem prof is drinking a beer in class. I guess finals week is stressful for them too
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
Two words: nipple clamps
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