Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
Randomize
