Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
i might even pee on it at walmart i am so nervous
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
He totally just went there for sex cuz he slept in her roommates bed the rest of the night after they were done...
pure definition of booty call.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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