Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
I just masturbated mid-day, thinking of you
I think that is one of the most romantic things I have ever heard from a fuck buddy on v-day, there is a strong possibility that you will soon be my girlfriend.
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
Hiding in a kitchen with no pants orange juice abs a pillow...please joun
I haye tequella
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
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