masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
My number one goal in life is to find out who can fill a keg with Popov
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
Teacher vividly described one of the times he did shrooms, sat down, sighed, and told everyone to go do drugs and let us out 15 minutes into class. I love community colleges
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
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