the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
Interestingly im still mad at you for the time we got high and you tried to hump me.
Lol thats a classic
So at what point do I tell her that I like fucking these hot southern girls more than I like my relationship with her?
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
I need mimosas to revive my soul
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
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