my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
I wish my penis had an off switch
have u ever looked at the reflection of the water n watched the poop come out of u?
why can't you just be normal
i failed horribly. studying for that final was as pointless as Vinnie is to Jersey Shore
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
Party in the USA is so catchy!
Yea, so is AIDS.
I don't even want to think what you did to boys being that drunk and horny.
Then I wouldn't suggest looking at the pictures from last night.
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
We smoked a huge blunt and then laid in bed naked eating strawberry shortcake good humor bars. We have the perfect relationship.
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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