Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
Being a slut is okay if you're being a polite slut, right?
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
he got a rim job in the basement.
apparently i was the one who gave it to him.
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
The girls we hooked up with were hammered, pushing each other in a shopping cart into the sushi place and through the restaurant... One's a volunteer EMT. God help her patients.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
I think he's an actor
That's not a good enough reason to wear guy-liner
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
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