the last 2 times weve had drunk sex ive had to get the morning after pill.. he's turning into a real expensive fuck buddy.
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
This guy has a theme song for the joints he rolls
We were sitting outside of the building and he literally just walked up with no pants on. This is the best college ever
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
All im saying is that my face might fall off.
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
We just started our own DARE program: Drugs are really enjoyable.
Randomize
