The money shot is kinda like the "The End" part of a children's book isn't it?
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
Important info for allergy season. An orgasm will unblock stuffy sinuses.
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
on one hand I spent like $120 last night..on the other that was the best sex of my life
Randomize