I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
you kept searching pizza on facebook and becoming a fan of each page dedicated to it
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
also. he gave me a foot massage during 69ing when i got a cramp. he's a winner.
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
my spring break was before theirs and i literally fed him vodka all week, only stopping for class and bowls. like handles. i cant even think anymore, that chastity belt was hard to get off,
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
What are we just gonna be those girls that get fucked in your parents basement and not get taken to dinner? I don't wanna be those girls.
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
Randomize
