Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
He put up a Facebook album attempting to sell off their Harvard furniture. Items for sale include: his friend, a broken lamp, an item described as a 'carpet and/or sleeping bag', a pair of paint stained cargo pants, size 'Tyler', and a self proclaimed $3 bottle of wine, which he is offering for $2
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
i think the sex is so good because i get a contact high just from fucking him
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
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